Thanksgiving is hard.

Today was Thanksgiving. I know there are so many things I should be, and believe me I really am, thankful for. However, today turned out to be a lot harder for me than I expected. 

Last Thanksgiving, we had experienced our first loss. R had just gotten back from hunting up north. I felt we were both emotionally stable for the time being. Since then, we have experienced 2 more miscarriages and some medical testing that has yet to reveal any hint as to why we cannot sustain a pregnancy. 
Today we had our annual Thanksgiving meal with my side of the family. I struggled to be my usual happy self. I just didn’t feel all that excited or thankful. It’s selfish. It’s ridiculous. I have SO much to be thankful for in life, but today was one of those hard days. 

Fast forward to this evening. I’m laying on the couch scrolling through Facebook and a friend who is struggling with her own infertility shared a post that was very touching about remaining hopeful. I decided to go to the original poster’s page. She had a pinned post that hit me like a ton of bricks. *cue ugly crying here* She could have legitimately written this directly for me. I didn’t realize just how not okay I was today. I know there are good days and bad days. I’m usually okay. I do a pretty good job of trying to ignore things that are triggers. Today was just a bad day. 

If all had gone according to our plan, not God’s plan, we would have a 16 month old…or a 9 month old…or a 6 month old. But we don’t. We have 3 angel babies. This is why I was not okay today. 

Here is the link to a beautifully written post that triggered the worst ugly cry I’ve had in a long time.

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